Upāsaka

When people think about what it means to be kind and compassionate, they often think of helping others. But often the best way to help others is to help yourself first. If all goes well, you might not even need to directly help others—your exemplar behavior is all they need to be inspired to change.

Let's look at an example. Suppose you have a friend who is not social, and you believe that your friend could live a better life by being more social. Instead of trying to get your friend to meet other people, you meet other people in your friend's presence. Upon seeing the benefits, your friend will understand how to better him or herself without ever being forced into anything. He or she will genuinely want to change, which results in the least possible resistance. Compare this to the act of forcing someone to do something, where the end result is the other person feeling aversion to whatever is being forced upon them. In this case, genuine change cannot happen.

Here is another good example from a talk that Ajahn Chah gave:

“As for proclaiming the Dhamma, you don’t have to do very much. Some of the Buddha’s disciples, like Venerable Assaji, hardly spoke. They went on almsround in a calm and peaceful manner, walking neither quickly nor slowly, dressed in sober-coloured robes. Whether walking, moving, going forwards or back they were measured and composed. One morning, while Ven. Sāriputta was still the disciple of a brahmin teacher called Sanjaya, he caught sight of Venerable Assaji and was inspired by his demeanour. He approached him and requested some teaching. He asked who Venerable Assaji’s teacher was and received the answer:

‘The Revered Gotama.’

‘What does he teach that enables you to practise like this?’

‘He doesn’t teach so much. He simply says that all dhammas arise from causes. If they are to cease their causes must cease first.’

Just that much. That was enough. He understood. That was all it took for Venerable Sāriputta to realize the Dhamma.”