Upāsaka

There are two kinds of love.

The first kind, fondness, is defined in The Century Dictionary as “Foolish tenderness; tender passion; strong or demonstrative affection.” When we are fond of someone, we feel attachment, thinking that the someone belongs to us. It's a possessive love that makes a distinction between “me” and “you” and is therefore not in line with reality. This distinction between “me” and “you” is incorrect because it suggests that there is a permanent entity associated with each individual, but really there is no such entity. There is no unchanging, permanent soul or essence in living beings. The end result of this kind of love entangled with fondness is always painful, for it is bound to cease one way or another and therefore cannot be relied on forever.

The other kind of love is mettā, often translated as loving-kindness, friendliness, or goodwill. It means directing one's concern towards the happiness of others, absent of any self-interest. It does not depend on a belief in a self; it does not depend on getting anything back. Through this kind of love, two people can form a true connection that looks beyond themselves. A true connection happens more easily when you don't create the other person in your mind. Creating a person in your mind is when you come up with a mental image of how a person is and hold onto that perception of them. When the reality of that person does not align with your perception, there will be confusion and quite possibly suffering. Therefore, if you love someone, don't create them in your mind. You'll be able to form a stronger, more beneficial connection that can end without anyone experience suffering or distress. Mettā can be hard to wrap your head around because it doesn't follow the traditional notions of love, but ultimately it's the preferable kind of love.